An Infestation
by Azrael-013
Summary: [One Shot.] In a bizarre twist of events wrestlers find longlost daughters, never before heard of sisters and a slew of other female relations infesting the arenas of WWE. PG13 for humor and language.
1. An Infestation

  
  
** An Infestation**  
  
Genre: Humor/Parody  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: One Shot. In a bizarre twist of events wrestlers find long-lost daughters, never before heard of sisters and a slew of other female relations infesting the arenas of WWE. PG-13 for humor and language.  
  
Let's face it; I have never been a big fan Mary Sues and in the past tended to avoid them. This was because the quality of said stories are rather iffy; genuinely good ones are hard to come by. Now, however, I find one or more in my face every time I log on to this site. Being as Mary Sues are likely to bring out the utter childishness in me, I've decided to bite back via this story. I realize that I may be reported despite my fanfic complying with all of 's rules (admit it, it does), but heck, it's a risk I'm willing to take. I will not evoke the undying mantra of, 'If you don't like it, don't read it!' In fact, quite the opposite, I encourage everyone to read it from start to finish, as well as to critique, comment, and hell yes, flame. Because that is what fanfiction is for.  
  
Date Uploaded: 18 September 2004  
  
**And they swarmed in from all over like cockroaches.**  
  
Sunday night, the convenient date for a joint roster pay-per-view. Take Survivor Series, for example. A little over an hour to show time, thus Heat is still playing for a largely uninterested audience, save for Internet reporters and critics, who are rapidly taking down notes. Backstage things progress as normal.  
  
The events that followed, however, were not so normal.  
  
The Dead Man brooded silently in the corner, debating, as he stood there questionably, if he should destroy John 'Bradshaw' Layfield quickly this time or rip into him sadistically piece by piece, prolonging the pain. He was so deep in thought that he barely noticed the ridiculously good-looking young woman that came up to him.  
  
"Mr. Mark Calloway?" she inquired.  
  
He slowly raised one disapproving eye at her but did not answer.  
  
"Mr. Calloway, I don't know if you remember me, but my name is Insert Name Here," Sue001 introduced herself. "I'm your daughter."  
  
An eyebrow slowly went up at that.  
  
"From your very first marriage," she continued to emphasize, talking slowly, as if the Undertaker couldn't comprehend what she was saying. "To your little known first wife, the one before the mother of Kevin and Gunner."  
  
Still the Undertaker gave her a cold, calculating look that would have unnerved anyone else except for Sue001. She stared back at him with a naivety Taker easily saw through as dull-witted expectancy. Presently he spoke. "How in the hell do people like you get backstage?"  
  
** "Daddy, it's me! What, fifteen years on from a one night stand and you don't recognize me?"**  
  
Elsewhere, another superstar was not taking the news of his ill-sired child quite as well. "How in the FUCK am I supposed to be your father??" Chris Jericho was yelling in near hysteria at the teenaged girl in front of him, one who was almost completely interchangeable with Sue001 in the beauty department. "You say you're eighteen; I'm thirty-two. Tell me how in the hell I could have fathered someone at the age of fourteen??"  
  
Sue412 sighed. "I told you, you were young but in love with my mom-"  
  
"I don't know your mom, psycho!!" Jericho shrieked out, cutting her off. "In fact, I didn't even lose my virginity until three years AFTER you claim to have been born!"  
  
"Sure you couldn't have made a mistake, Chris?" Randy Orton called out teasingly.  
  
"I'm not that stupid, junior. Give me a little credit here!!" Jericho snapped.  
  
Sue412 also turned hard eyes at Randy. "Don't talk to my daddy like that, it's rude! And don't think I haven't realized how you've been ogling and mentally undressing me, Mr. Orton! You had better keep your hands off of this ass, you pervert!"  
  
At her statement Randy looked bewildered, having been engrossed in reading a magazine until then. "Me, a pervert? I was doing what…?"  
  
"Don't you think you're the one king of being a pervert, seeing as you're in the men's locker room and all?" Shelton Benjamin suddenly pointed out to her.  
  
Around the RAW general face locker room there were uncomfortable mumbles of agreement. William Regal nodded quite indignantly. Shaw Michaels was lying on the floor, headphones momentarily discarded, unhappy with having his pre-match ritual disturbed. And the Hurricane, in a state of undress except for a long towel and, inexplicably, his mask, had not moved from where he had backed up against the wall.  
  
"Oh," Sue412 said, taking this all in and not even having the decency to be embarrassed. "Well it's not my fault. Daddy let me in."  
  
"I did NOT let you in, and, for the last time, I am NOT your daddy!!" Jericho screeched in reply. Seconds later Sue412 had been deposited outside, the door slamming shut behind her.  
  
** Bring back the pretty boys of yore.**  
  
A recovering Matt Hardy, taking it easy in one of the smaller lounges, was jolted out of his semi-sleep when the door opened and slammed shut abruptly. He opened his eyes and was surprised to see a haggard and breathless Jeff Hardy (hey, it's not a proper Mary Sue without bringing back WWE's long fired daredevil), his back pressed to the door. "Jeff! What are you doing-"  
  
"Do we have a sister??" Jeff rapidly asked, almost incomprehensibly.  
  
At that Matt was even more stunned. "Jeff, are you sure you're not on something?"  
  
"Don't mock me, Matt, this is serious!" Jeff cried. "Now tell me, do we have a sister or not??"  
  
"A sister? No!" Matt said forcefully. "Now are you going to tell me what this is all about before rumors about a WWE return for you surface?"  
  
Jeff locked the door and went to take a seat beside his brother. "TNA just finished doing a show in the next city yesterday, right? Well, afterwards this girl came up to me and introduced herself as Insert Name Here Hardy, claiming to be our younger sister."  
  
"That's bullshit," Matt spat.  
  
"Exactly my reaction," Jeff agreed. "So I politely told her it wasn't possible and left for the hotel. She ended up calling me eight times that night, then left twenty messages for me at the front desk after I unhooked the phone. To shake her off I left early this morning and had driven a couple of miles away when I realized she was following me. I drove around in circles for a while, trying to confuse her, and then came directly here."  
  
Matt sighed. "You know, Jeff, you have to stop running to me every time some lunatic stalker turns up."  
  
"But this is different!" Jeff insisted.  
  
"Oh? And how?" Matt asked sarcastically.  
  
"Because this time she's your stalker too!"  
  
As if on cue there was a pounding on the door. Jeff stifled a squeal and tried to keep his brother from opening it, but Matt impatiently stood up, albeit painfully, and went to see who it was. He opened the door and was almost immediately jumped by a teenaged girl, also looking suspiciously similar to Sues 001 and 412. She engulfed him in a bear hug and cheerfully yelled, "Matty!! It's so great to see you!"  
  
In her enthusiasm she accidentally knocked his injured knee. Matt cried out in pain and would have crumpled to the floor if Jeff hadn't shot off the couch to help him up. Sue 189 let out a gasp. "Oh Matty, I'm sorry! I didn't know! Has it been long? Did I make it much worse? Here, let me help; you want me to get you something for that? Anything? I could run out and do it now, you name it," she gushed in seemingly one breath.  
  
Matt managed to say one word through gritted teeth. "SECURITY!"  
  
**Oh wait, we've nearly forgotten the token chapter named after a song. Hmm… all right, here's one: American Idiot.**  
  
And still somewhere in the corridors John Cena listened, incensed but also slightly cautious, as the young woman seated at the table told him her story. "I loved Booker - I still do - and at first the relationship was wonderful," Sue367 sobbed. "And then it changed, gradually at first. He became possessive, very much obsessed with keeping me to himself. He questioned me every time I went out. And then the beatings started."  
  
"And you've never told this to anyone?" Cena asked, still guarded.  
  
She shook her head woefully. "No. I was just so scared that if he found out, he'd-"  
  
"Cena," a voice barked and Sue367 jumped. Booker T himself strode up to them, thoroughly ignored the crying girl and instead focused all attention on Cena. "You better prepare yourself because tonight I WILL beat you and prove once and for all that I earned the right to hold this US Championship and no one but!"  
  
Sue367 quickly got up, wiping her face. "I was just talking to him, Booker, that's all. Just a mild conversation, honest," she stammered, terrified, proving that she wasn't a very competent liar.  
  
Booker looked startled and seemed to see her for the first time. "Do I know you?" he asked suspiciously.  
  
"Isn't this your girlfriend? The one you've been beating?" Cena accused.  
  
At that revelation Booker seemed to be even more mystified. "What? Two things, Cena. If I had a girl I think I would know about it, and I would definitely NOT beat her, sucka!" He turned back to the girl and demanded, "Now who are you and why are you badmouthing me like that??"  
  
Sue367 bawled and hid behind Cena. "Help me, John! He's going to lash out at me again!"  
  
Cena, now utterly unconvinced of her performance, cocked a cynical eyebrow as Booker groaned, shook his head and motioned for a guard in black to come over and take her away.  
  
** "I see Mary Sues… all the time…"**  
  
The number of these diverse-looking yet shamelessly pretty mental clones swarmed and grew, completely baffling superstars and crewmembers alike. Oh wait, just the superstars; crewmembers seem to cease to exist in these types of stories.  
  
A young woman with a horribly clichéd French accent presented herself to La Resistance, Sylvan Grenier and Rob Conway. Sue441 stated that she was the tag team's new manager. After inquiring in French what her past qualifications had been, a bemused Sylvan was told in her faltering version of the language that she 'Is loving the sea and very much would shake his foot a lot.' She was swiftly asked to leave.  
  
Torrie Wilson bumped into Sue029 backstage and was rudely told that she served as nothing but decoration and should have left the business long ago. The catfight that ensued resulted in Sue029 losing her top, vision in her left eye and, most disturbingly, large clumps of her hair. Because let's face it, even girls like Torrie have undergone some sort of training.  
  
Sue850 found her way into the Evolution executive suite. There she defiantly told Triple H that he was a meanie and a hog, and that she would be able to defeat him in a nanosecond to win the Heavyweight Title (yes, she is super-strong, despite being bodily perfect! Besides, bulky muscles are SO unattractive anyway). Triple H's, Ric Flair's and Batista's response to that was to promptly laugh their asses off, Ric turning an alarming shade of beat red as he did, before Batista easily picked the girl off the floor and kicked her out of the room.  
  
Paul London's 'beloved younger sister' Sue646 kissed her astounded 'brother' on the cheek and then proceeded to try and cozy up to Rene Dupree. Fortunately Fifi interjected and bit the offensive girl on the shin. Both shins. And then yakked into her Manolo Blanichs.  
  
A girl called Insert Name Here Dumas visited Lita, insisting she was her sister. Sue076 sympathized with Lita's condition, and then wondered where Jeff was, as she claimed that she loved him and they never should have broken up. A snarling Lita informed the girl that even in her pregnant state she could still kick Sue076's ass and would gladly do so if she didn't leave.  
  
Kurt Angle was unfortunately accosted by a pregnant woman claiming to be carrying his child. Sue701 was firmly escorted out of the backstage area as EMTs moved in to revive Kurt, who had immediately gone into shock where he stood.  
  
And a scandalous issue that possibly would have upset the company if it hadn't been quickly squelched and belittled later on as a prank happened moments before the pay-per-view. A young woman of respectable bearing jumped the barrier (seeing as a majority of guards were rounding up Sues in the back), took a microphone and got into the ring. "I am Insert Name Here McMahon, and I am the illegitimate daughter of Vince McMahon," Sue112 announced to the stupefied crowd. "And I demand that he acknowledge my presence here and now!" He acknowledged her, all right. Vince went livid and ordered her thrown out with threats of a huge lawsuit to follow.  
  
** They are perfect. They can do anything. They largely freak me out.**  
  
"Get me a contract, daddy! I've done training for a month and I'm sure that in one show I'll be able to establish myself as the most dominant woman in WWE!"  
  
He had listened to her ridiculous claim of being his daughter, stomached twenty minutes of her prattling about an uninterestingly tragic childhood, but after that particular statement the Undertaker had grabbed a security guard by the shirt and told him to remove the girl from the premises before the Dead Man got rid of her himself. Sue001 was dragged away kicking and screaming along with Sue412, 189, and all the others. Undertaker did not look back as he placed his wide-brimmed hat back on his head. Long-lost daughters, heartrending pasts, quick contracts and shooting straight up through the ranks? What a crock of shit.  
  
We now return you to regularly scheduled programming.  
  
**End. Of this story at least, unfortunately not of THEM.**  
  
Comments and critiques are welcome, as well as flames. In fact, especially flames. I'm interested in finding out the reactions to this little piece of fiction. 


	2. Writer's Bytes

  
  
I seem to have totally neglected to put up my usual disclaimer, although they seem to be inconsequential nowadays. Here's one, though. I do not own World Wrestling Entertainment. I do not own the wrestlers, they are property of themselves. Prinnies from the game Disgaea: Hour of Darkness are creations of the fabulous people at Nippon Ichi and Atlus. Moogles from the Final Fantasy games likewise belong to Square. I don't want any of the Sues. In fact, I'm giving them out; who wants one?  
  
For those who remembered some of my older stories, once completed I would put up something after it entitled Author's Notes. This was actually a proper chapter, but once more to comply with 's policy I've changed it to Writer's Bytes. This flying under the radar thing is tiring.  
  
Oh, and Luke is right, I did leave out the Gary Stus/Marty Sams. I guess I neglected them because the ratio of Sues to Stus are so large, and the few Stus that I've come across in the wrestling section are pretty good. But far be it for me to ignore them, hence here's a little bit of a follow up to the first chapter.  
  
Date Uploaded: 19 September 2004  
  
**Meet the male reincarnation. Done? Now say goodbye.**  
  
Eric Bischoff was betting against Paul Heyman in the inter-brand elimination match for that night when the door burst open. The two general managers of RAW and Smackdown! respectively jumped, half expecting Vince, Triple H or the Undertaker to come stalking in.  
  
Instead it was an exceptionally well-built young man with a scowl on his face. Stu377 stomped up to them, kicking the door shut. "All right, Bischoff, I want a match against Jericho for the Intercontinental Championship! And don't even try to tell me that the match card is set; I don't care! I'm a big enough draw to influence even PPV bouts!"  
  
Heyman looked inquiringly at Bischoff. "New talent?"  
  
"I've never seen this asshole before in my life," Bischoff answered.  
  
"Quit fucking around like that!" Stu377 snapped. "I'm Insert Name Here, I'm huge in Japan, I trained in the Hart Dungeon, under Killer Kowalski, Dory Funk Jr. and Stanislaus Zbyszko. I've been a main eventer since I entered WWE last week!"  
  
"You do realize that Stanislaus Zbyszko has been dead nearly forty years, right?" Heyman pointed out impatiently.  
  
Before the suddenly confused young man could answer the door opened. Trish Stratus poked her head in. "Eric, I need to talk to you. There is no way I'm going out there to defend my title against Victoria when she's on a REALLY bad PMS trip."  
  
"Jesus, can't you wait your turn?" Stu377 interjected rudely. "I know I'm irresistible, but the big boys are discussing important matters right now, so you can just get your blonde head out of that door until I'm done."  
  
Trish was momentarily speechless. Bischoff managed to answer for her as he hit the intercom. "Bischoff here, please send someone to get this moron out of my office." Before the guards could come Trish had recovered from her initial confusion and had kicked him where it counted, huffily crossing her arms indignantly as he was forcefully removed from the room.  
  
** End. Really, I mean it this time.**  
  
Well, except for this:  
  
** And in conclusion they invaded the writer's haven with disastrous results on their part.**  
  
In what was once Azrael's spotlessly white place in the fanfiction realm there came a huge clamor. One of the Prinnies, curious penguin-like creatures with bat wings and satchels, stopped his hard work at the construction site to peer out at what was causing the racket. He did a double take as he saw what was outside on the yet not landscaped front lawn.  
  
Girls. Dozens upon dozens of them, in fact. Wait, there were a few men, but they were lost in the huge sea of the opposite gender. There were Caucasian-Americans, African-Americans, Latin Americans, Hispanics, Europeans including a bevy of mixed descents such as Italian, French, German, Spanish, Polish, Turkish and the lot, Eurasians, Australians, Russians and Asians, among which were Japanese, Chinese, Malaysian, Korean, Vietnamese and Indian. It looked like a delegation of United Nations Representatives, only they were mostly young women aged thirteen to twenty-nine (not thirty; to them as soon as you hit thirty you were basically just OLD) and seemed to be vying against each other in the beauty department. They were so pretty (some of the men included, disturbingly enough) it seemed falsely out of place, therefore unbearable to look at. As such the effect was chilling.  
  
The Prinny looked to a Moogle on his left. "Dood, that's some messed up shit. We have to call the boss, dood."  
  
The Moogle turned a horrified face at him, at least as much as his squinted expression allowed. "That's not a good idea, kupo. Azrael-kupo said that she would be sleeping in her room. If we wake her up it's going to be our heads on the chopping-block, kupo!"  
  
"But those girls are going to wreck the front lawn, dood, and it's going to be hell to clean up after them!" the Prinny argued. "And they seem to be getting violent, dood…"  
  
"Let's flip a coin then, kupo," the Moogle suggested. "You call it, heads or tales, kupo?"  
  
"That won't be necessary, I'm already up," a bleary-eyed Azrael said as she stepped out onto the half-finished terrace, putting her glasses on. Apparently the noise had woken her up. She took a good look at the crowd and groaned. "Oh what is this all about now?"  
  
"YOU!" Sue112 exclaimed, pointing angrily up at her. "You sent us to invade WWE under the false promise that as a group we would succeed in overrunning it completely!"  
  
"You fed us lies!" Sue001 accused. "We got thrown out one by one like yesterday's newspaper!"  
  
"We ought to torch you and this place for what you did!" Stu377 chipped in, still recovering from having received a shot in the groin.  
  
"And on top of that the resulting fanfic was a derogatory shot at our very nature!" Sue859 followed up. "You're a petty, vindictive author who doesn't deserve our acknowledgement!"  
  
"Then what the fuck are you still doing here?" Azrael pointed out in a bored voice.  
  
The sea of faces turned red as the Sues and Stus miraculously realized the error in that statement. They quickly composed themselves as best as they could, though. "The creation of a Mary Sue or a Gary Stu is a symbol of passion and freedom in writing," Sue646 said, in what she figured was poetically. "We Sues and Stus exist as writer's ideal person, and our successes and what we attain are their hope that-"  
  
BOOM. That was the sound that came from Azrael picking up the unfortunate Prinny beside her and throwing it headlong at the speaking Sue. The resulting explosion wiped out her and seven other Sues standing around her. The angry mob had neglected to read the sign out in front - Warning: Prinnies explode when thrown.  
  
"Utter bullshit," Azrael said before fixing a fierce glare in the direction of the Sues and Stus. "Anybody else want to complain??"  
  
There was a deathly silence. And then the crowd slowly began to disperse.  
  
"Morons," Azrael muttered. She turned to the watching Prinnies and Moogles, the former looking hesitant being within arms reach. "Get back to work," she snapped, causing them to go scrambling for their posts. Then she left, mumbling something about having to go to the Netherworld hospital to revive the Prinny Pizzicato.  
  
** End. Right, I know, you get the picture.**


End file.
